Navigating The Barriers: One Woman’s Call to Ministry

A woman’s journey answering God’s call to ministry leadership means navigating the barriers, seen and unseen, along the way.

Some of my earliest memories are of my father, a Mennonite pastor, standing at the podium in church, preaching the Word of God with passion and authority. Even as a young girl of eight or ten, I felt something like fire begin to burn in my chest. I shared my dad’s passion for scripture, for Jesus, and the church.

Growing up as a pastor’s kid (PKs, we were often called), the church was my second home. Our church family was my extended family. As I grew older, I certainly felt the sometimes unfair pressure put on PKs to be perfect- to dress well, speak well, and behave well, so as not to bring shame upon my father and mother. In my late teen years, I also began to understand that, as safe and loved as I felt in church, the church is not always a safe place for pastors. I grieved as my parents grieved the pain of betrayal and rejection.

Still, given all these things, and the mixed bag that the church can be, the fire in my chest only grew. The more I studied scripture and the more intimately I came to know Christ, the more I wanted to be a pastor. How could I not share the treasure of God’s Word? How could I not invite others to know the Lord who knew me, the One whom I knew as my powerful redeemer and dearest friend?

The Barriers of Imposter Syndrome – Am I Enough?

Even in a denomination that held an official position affirming women pastors, my options were limited. Pursuing this call would mean navigating barriers along the way. I began, as many young people do, as a youth pastor – though my technical title was youth director. By the end of my fourth year in that position, I had come face to face with my own limitations and weaknesses as a leader,  as well as my congregation’s. I started to question my call. Had I heard God correctly? Was I really created for this kind of ministry? Perhaps I was foolish or arrogant to believe God had called me into pastoral ministry.

By this time, my husband and I had started our family. I was deep into mothering little ones when I lost my mother to a cancer that claimed her life all too quickly- diagnosis to death was less than ten months. The fire in my chest that once burned with warm love for God turned into red-hot coals of disappointment and anger. Why had God so completely failed us when we needed Him most… when I needed Him most?

Working Through Disappointment and Anger

Now I was even more convinced that I had misunderstood everything. I hated God; how could I possibly be a minister for Him?

It was at this moment that our church family embraced me so completely – even in my burning pain and anger – and I slowly began to understand the true depth of God’s love for me. A dear friend’s listening ear and warm embrace. A cup of coffee gifted to me after another sleepless night. Emails filled with my unanswerable questions and pain were received with nothing but empathy and love. The constant invitation to come and be present with the Body, even when I thought I didn’t believe anymore.

Slowly, I felt God’s loving presence within and around me again. I understood His patience and grace for the prodigals and the resentful elder brothers. The fire in my chest took on new depth and color. I knew, once again, what I was made for. My passion to share about a God who abides with us through all that life sends our way was reignited and burned strong and bright once more.

I entered a seminary program and completed my MDiv. I served in positions including worship, outreach and mission, women’s ministry, and administration. By the time our children were nearing the end of high school, I was ordained in the Mennonite denomination and was preaching once a month at our church.

Photo by Maksim Istomin on Unsplash

Work-Life Balance Barriers

At this point, I had held only part-time ministry positions, which worked well because I was also our primary child caretaker, running them hither and yon to their various activities and staying on top of household obligations. As our children became more and more independent, I found myself restless. A nudge within my soul said, “It’s time for more. You have more to give.” Navigating the barriers of parenthood meant waiting for the season that offered more space and time.

Navigating the Barriers of Culture and Society

I was nervous to explore this “more” that I felt called to. Navigating the barriers of culture and society would certainly be a part of this journey. I knew how it felt to bump into the stained-glass ceiling of the church. It was okay – safe, even – to be an associate pastor. People accepted my voice and my gifts because I was “covered” by a male pastor. What if “more” meant stepping out from under that covering and interviewing for lead pastor roles? Would I even get any interviews? What then? Should I just settle for the opportunities I have now? Was the “more” I sensed the calling I even thought it was?

The more I reflected on what I was feeling drawn to and called to, the more it sounded like a lead role. There was this deep longing to invest in, encourage, and equip lay leaders. I wanted to preach more, to raise up the next generation of pastors, to call out what was unique and beautiful about a local body of believers, and then release them into their community to share the Good News of Jesus.

Pressing on through theological barriers

So I put my name and resume out into the world… and waited. There were a few interviews, but navigating the barriers of mixed responses was disappointing and frustrating: “We loved you during the interview, but we’re just not ready for a woman lead pastor.” Others were understandable but still disappointing: “We want someone with lead experience.”

I lamented to my husband on more than one occasion that navigating the barriers of unaffirming theology was discouraging,  making it hard to keep moving forward, to keep interviewing and waiting. Then my current congregation – Souderton BIC – invited me to accept the call to be their lead pastor, and I said yes. And the image of my father, standing at the podium of my childhood home church, came rushing back to me. All these decades later, that tiny flame that I felt flickering inside my chest had become an enduring fire. And here I was, invited to share it as I always dreamed of doing.

Breaking Through Barriers With Gratitude and Trust

A little more than one year into my pastorate,  I still feel deep, deep gratitude to God for this season of my life. For bringing me through immaturity, tragedy, doubt, and even boredom, to this beautiful place and time. Is the work easy? No. Faith is not easy, and people are often not easy (including me!).  Am I beyond navigating the barriers of pursuing the call? Beyond my struggles with doubt and disappointment? No. I will always struggle with high expectations of myself, God, and others. But do I see the hand of God at work in my life, and in our life together here at SBIC? Absolutely. And that is what keeps the fire in my chest burning.

 

“I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”   -Paul, to Timothy, in his second letter. (1:6-7)